Why Do I Think About Hurting My Baby?
Good moms have scary thoughts. After helping many new moms tackle scary thoughts of hurting their baby, I’m revealing everything you need to know about scary and intrusive postpartum thoughts, including how to handle them.
What if I drop her while going down the stairs?
What if my new baby drowns during this bath that I am giving him?
What if I somehow stab her with that knife in the kitchen?
What if I somehow hit him so hard while burping him that he really gets hurt?
What if he fell from the balcony?
Holding the baby while having sudden, unwanted images of her falling from your arms and hitting the floor, even though this isn’t actually happening.
Graphic images of violently shaking the baby, even though this isn’t actually happening.
This isn’t the picture of motherhood that society paints or that other parents usually talk about. But, majority of moms and co-parents experience these kinds of scary thoughts, aka postpartum intrusive thoughts.
It is the norm, not the exception, to experience these thoughts.
What is a Postpartum Intrusive Thought?
An “intrusive thought” is a thought that is made up by your mind (not by you!) that seems to pop into your mind out of nowhere and is uncomfortable and unwanted. It can even feel like these thoughts are taking over your mind. A postpartum intrusive thought is usually about some kind of harm being brought to your baby, often by you accidentally or intentionally.
Here’s the thing – chances are that you’ve had intrusive, unwanted thoughts like this before you had a child. A common one is standing in front of the subway and a thought like “what if I jumped in front of the train” or “what if I run on the track” suddenly pops into your mind. The fact that your mind has produced this thought scares you a bit and maybe you take a few steps away from the edge of the platform. This thought is often followed by you thinking “woah, I don’t want to do that, that’s not me, where did that come from.”
What Causes Intrusive Thoughts While Postpartum?
Several factors have been tied to intrusive thoughts while postpartum:
This is brain activity and how the mind works: Your mind is a thinking machine. It generates thoughts all day long. In one day, it produces thousands and thousands of thoughts. Not all of these thousands of thoughts will be accurate. In fact, many of the thoughts the mind produces are not based in reality. From here, it follows that the things you think are not a measure of your worth as a mother or person. You are NOT what you think.
High levels of stress: Being responsible for a little human who is dependent on you for all their needs is a heavy weight. Intrusive thoughts tend to be about areas of life that are very important to us, including caring for a new baby.
Sign of another mental health condition: Intrusive thoughts while postpartum can be a sign that you are experiencing another mental health condition such as postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, postpartum OCD, or postpartum PTSD. This being said, the experience of postpartum intrusive thoughts are more common than not. MANY parents have postpartum intrusive thoughts and do not have an ongoing mental health condition. Consider how often you are experiencing these intrusive postpartum thoughts and whether they are getting in the way of your life.
Past trauma from your own childhood: Some people find that their own experiences being a victim of trauma, possibly as children and by their own parents, can play a role in the postpartum intrusive thoughts they experience.
Postpartum hormone shifts and hormone rebalancing: While the jury is still out on this one, it has been suggested that hormonal shifts in the postpartum period may play a role.
It is always best to consult with a personal mental health provider, like a licensed clinical psychologist with expertise in reproductive and perinatal mental health, to better understand the factors contributing to your personal experience.
What It Can Feel Like to Have Scary Thoughts About Hurting Your Baby
After experiencing intrusive, scary thoughts about their baby, parents often start questioning their worth as a parent and maybe even as a person, often wondering if they are “bad” somehow. Having your mind think these thoughts can make you wonder if your baby would be better off without you. You may begin living with a constant fear that you will somehow lose control and actually act on these thoughts, even though you know you don’t want to carry out these thoughts AT ALL and you just want them to go away. It can feel like these thoughts go against who you are as a person, which can deeply hit your self-esteem and confidence as a parent.
You are really disturbed by these thoughts so it’s only natural to try to not think of these uncomfortable thoughts. You may feel like you can’t tell anyone, not even your co-parent or loved ones, about these thoughts. You may feel you are going “crazy.” You may be worried that your baby could even be taken from you because someone might think you are unfit to parent if they knew the thoughts you were having. This can stop you from getting help or looking for a therapist. Keeping these scary, overwhelming thoughts inside can be deeply lonely.
Does this Mean I Will Harm My Baby?
Intrusive thoughts in postpartum are usually accompanied by a fear that you are more likely to harm your baby than if you didn’t have these thoughts. Your mind may convince you of this just by pure fact of having these kinds of thoughts. You may find yourself changing your environment to minimize the chances that you act on these thoughts - hide the knives, avoid cooking or being near the knives, avoid bathing baby, avoid taking baby for car rides. A lot of avoiding.
While there is a real emergency called postpartum psychosis where one can believe that they are saving their child by listening to the potentially-harmful thoughts, postpartum psychosis is quite rare. By comparison, postpartum intrusive thoughts are much more common. A very real difference between postpartum intrusive thoughts and postpartum psychosis is that the intrusive thoughts feel like they are outside of you, you are disturbed by them, and you don’t want to be having them. People with postpartum psychosis do not typically resist their thoughts.
How Do I Get Better?
Even though it makes logical sense to avoid uncomfortable thoughts… like most things we avoid, the thoughts usually get stronger and hang around the more and more we try not to think about them. The good news is that these thoughts can be tamed and their weight diminished significantly.
What matters most is how you feel when you have the intrusive thought vs. whether or not you have the thought.
Next time your mind produces one of these intrusive thoughts, you might say to yourself “that’s the brain activity, that’s the intrusion talking, that’s not me talking” or “just because my mind thinks something doesn’t mean that thought is true or that I want that thought to be true.”
Remember: You Are NOT What You Think
Consider psychotherapy and/or medication. A therapist with expertise in reproductive and perinatal mental health can help you adopt this new way of handling these postpartum intrusive thoughts. Therapies based in acceptance- and behavior-based approaches can help you decrease the weight of these thoughts on your life. Psychiatric medications are also available to help target these kinds of symptoms. Look for a psychiatrist with expertise in perinatal mental health. This is the Postpartum Support International Directory of professionals specializing in perinatal mental health.
You are always welcome to explore my postpartum therapy services or contact me for a complimentary phone consultation to see if I might be able to support you on your family building journey.
As always,
This blog post is not professional counseling or clinical advice. Please speak to a licensed professional if you are in need of support. If you are experiencing a mental health emergency, please call/text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, text HOME to 741741 from anywhere in the US for the National Crisis Text Line, or go to your nearest emergency department for 24/7 assistance.
Photo by Zach Lucero on Unsplash
